The next in our series of pornstache species, the Nintendo-tastic, “The Mario”
Structure: One of the most robust staches of all, The Mario extends from the middle on the cheekbones down to cover most of the mouth.
Origin: Donkey Kong, 1981, arcades arcoss Japan and America.
Practical Purpose: Has a magnetic pull towards floating gold coins, assists in bagging Peach.
Best Accessories: Overalls, plumbers crack, trippy mushrooms, 8 bit music.
Often Spotted: On real guys named Mario, no really, that’s his real name; In the crafts of dorky chicks who think it is ironic to knit likenesses of Nintendo characters.
Everybody is thinking about what Christmas gifts to get the important people in your life. So, we wanted to make your life easier by offering gift suggestions for the important pornstachio in your life.
Nicolas Cage almost missed the mark with his new pornstache. Thank goodness for the extra robust follicular profile that allows the red highlights of his stache to glint in the sunlight, allowing Mr. Cage to barely avoid a grandpa-stache.
Our second in our series of pornstache species, let us explore the intricacies of “The Arab”.
Structure: Reminicient of a push broom, The Arab can be identified by its uniform top to bottom height, soft edges and impressive sheen.
Origin: Will be revealed when the CIA documents are declassified in 2028.
Practical Purpose: Intimidates guerrilla fighters into following your command; tricks eastern-european prostitutes into giving you free sex in exchange for marriage and thus access to your family’s oil fortune.
Best Accessories: Beret, automatic weapon, multiple wives
Often Spotted: On dictators and in discotheques (often both at the same time).
It has been noted that late-stage NHL players often grow a pornstache because of the shiny bristly distraction that a pornstache can add to a face, thus detracting from the appearance of generally mangled facial bone-structure and missing teeth.
However, George Parros, acclaimed player for the Anaheim Ducks is sporting an early career pornstache begging the question, does a pornstache carry magical or ayrodynamic properties which actually increase hockey skills? Yes, my friend. The answer is yes.
Here at pornstache.com, people are constantly asking us, “What makes a moustache a pornstache?” This question has puzzled philosophers for decades as the simple addition of just a couple hairs here, or aviator sunglasses there can turn a perfectly acceptable tax-accountant-stache into a glorious pornstache.
So, this is our first post in a series to help classify all the species of pornstache. And hence, we will begin at the beginning with the “The Ron Jeremy”.
Structure: Seeming to grow out of the nostrils and extending horizontally just over the top of the lips, this pornstache also has a wide horizontal breadth that extends across the frown lines. Also note the breezy center where the cleft of the upper lip is left exposed.
Origin: Adult film and pornstache god Ron Jeremy
Practical Purpose: Distracting female adult film stars from your pot belly with your clit tickling powers.
Confucius once said, ” A man must choose between a moustache and false eyelashes”. However, Bulgarian pop singer, tranny pornstache trailblazer and Jolen poster child Azis proves the great thinker wrong.
In character for his role in the upcoming sequel to The Bourne Supremacy and The Bourne Ultimatium, tentatively titled The Bourne Pornstache, Matt Damon is shot in Hawaii.
True method actor that he is, Matt Damon has also gained 40 pounds of pot-belly, some billowy orange swimming trunks, and a thick yet patchy smattering of unruly chest hair to compliment the authenticity of his stache.
Yes, father of the pornstache, you brought the bristle from the back-alley world of 70’s adult films into America’s living rooms with your charming over-wrought foreign pronunciations and your oh so sly “answers” to life’s questions. With your dedication, you continued to rock the stache through the 90’s when the rest of the world was sporting the satan-goatee. We salute you Trebek, we salute you.
Since my arsenal of billion dollar genetic freaks and destructive gadgets cannot defeat Spider Man perhaps this pornstache can. Plus, MJ will love the allure of my new “clit tickler”.
