The next in our series of pornstache species, the Nintendo-tastic, “The Mario”
Structure: One of the most robust staches of all, The Mario extends from the middle on the cheekbones down to cover most of the mouth.
Origin: Donkey Kong, 1981, arcades arcoss Japan and America.
Practical Purpose: Has a magnetic pull towards floating gold coins, assists in bagging Peach.
Best Accessories: Overalls, plumbers crack, trippy mushrooms, 8 bit music.
Often Spotted: On real guys named Mario, no really, that’s his real name; In the crafts of dorky chicks who think it is ironic to knit likenesses of Nintendo characters.
Nicolas Cage almost missed the mark with his new pornstache. Thank goodness for the extra robust follicular profile that allows the red highlights of his stache to glint in the sunlight, allowing Mr. Cage to barely avoid a grandpa-stache.
It has been noted that late-stage NHL players often grow a pornstache because of the shiny bristly distraction that a pornstache can add to a face, thus detracting from the appearance of generally mangled facial bone-structure and missing teeth.
However, George Parros, acclaimed player for the Anaheim Ducks is sporting an early career pornstache begging the question, does a pornstache carry magical or ayrodynamic properties which actually increase hockey skills? Yes, my friend. The answer is yes.
Confucius once said, ” A man must choose between a moustache and false eyelashes”. However, Bulgarian pop singer, tranny pornstache trailblazer and Jolen poster child Azis proves the great thinker wrong.
In character for his role in the upcoming sequel to The Bourne Supremacy and The Bourne Ultimatium, tentatively titled The Bourne Pornstache, Matt Damon is shot in Hawaii.
True method actor that he is, Matt Damon has also gained 40 pounds of pot-belly, some billowy orange swimming trunks, and a thick yet patchy smattering of unruly chest hair to compliment the authenticity of his stache.
Yes, father of the pornstache, you brought the bristle from the back-alley world of 70’s adult films into America’s living rooms with your charming over-wrought foreign pronunciations and your oh so sly “answers” to life’s questions. With your dedication, you continued to rock the stache through the 90’s when the rest of the world was sporting the satan-goatee. We salute you Trebek, we salute you.
Since my arsenal of billion dollar genetic freaks and destructive gadgets cannot defeat Spider Man perhaps this pornstache can. Plus, MJ will love the allure of my new “clit tickler”.
Many people fail to realize that in his middle age Obi Wan Kenobi grew tired of fighting the empire and took a few years off to grow a pornstache and try his hand at adult films. During this period he was known as Obi “Wand” Kenobi. Luckily for the universe, he wasn’t very successful and soon got back at the whole Jedi thing…
