Pornstache.com » Classifications of Pornstache

Pornstache Classifications: The Handlebar

admin — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 18:22:47 +0000

A good stache is hard to find and when you do you better grab on tight and hold on to that sucker for the whole ride, hence “The Handlebar”

Structure: Your mouth is beautiful and The Handlebar underscores that beauty like a three sided picture frame of hair.

Origin: Colonial Mustard, London 1623.

Practical Purpose: Gives universal license to invite people to, “Jump on for a moustache ride!”; stores leftovers from previous meals for intra-day snacking.

Best Accessories: Leather chaps, cowboy hats, pantaloons (often all at once).

Often Spotted: In San Francisco gay bars, revolutionary war reenactments across the Eastern US and Hells Angels gatherings.

Pornstache Classifications: The Pencil

admin — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 23:52:41 +0000

The next in our series of pornstache species, “The Pencil“ also sometimes referred to as the “Horizontal Landing Strip”

Structure: The tiniest line of perfection, right across the top of the upper lip.

Origin: A smokey cafe, Paris, 1821.

Practical Purpose: The intense amount of grooming required to maintain such a tiny little stache conveys the deep amount of dedication that you are willing to put into looking creepy and pretentious.

Best Accessories: Pencil leg jeans, cigarette holder, knit cap.

Often Spotted: On John Waters, upcoming R&B stars and little boys with mom’s that think it’s cute to degrade their children with an eyeliner pencil.

Pornstache Classifications: The Mario

admin — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 20:14:39 +0000

The next in our series of pornstache species, the Nintendo-tastic, “The Mario”

Structure: One of the most robust staches of all, The Mario extends from the middle on the cheekbones down to cover most of the mouth.

Origin: Donkey Kong, 1981, arcades arcoss Japan and America.

Practical Purpose: Has a magnetic pull towards floating gold coins, assists in bagging Peach.

Best Accessories: Overalls, plumbers crack, trippy mushrooms, 8 bit music.

Often Spotted: On real guys named Mario, no really, that’s his real name; In the crafts of dorky chicks who think it is ironic to knit likenesses of Nintendo characters.

Pornstache Classifications: The Arab

admin — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 18:40:01 +0000

Our second in our series of pornstache species, let us explore the intricacies of “The Arab”.

Structure: Reminicient of a push broom, The Arab can be identified by its uniform top to bottom height, soft edges and impressive sheen.

Origin: Will be revealed when the CIA documents are declassified in 2028.

Practical Purpose: Intimidates guerrilla fighters into following your command; tricks eastern-european prostitutes into giving you free sex in exchange for marriage and thus access to your family’s oil fortune.

Best Accessories: Beret, automatic weapon, multiple wives

Often Spotted: On dictators and in discotheques (often both at the same time).

Pornstache Classifications: The Ron Jeremy

admin — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 18:00:35 +0000

Here at pornstache.com, people are constantly asking us, “What makes a moustache a pornstache?” This question has puzzled philosophers for decades as the simple addition of just a couple hairs here, or aviator sunglasses there can turn a perfectly acceptable tax-accountant-stache into a glorious pornstache.

So, this is our first post in a series to help classify all the species of pornstache. And hence, we will begin at the beginning with the “The Ron Jeremy”.

Structure: Seeming to grow out of the nostrils and extending horizontally just over the top of the lips, this pornstache also has a wide horizontal breadth that extends across the frown lines. Also note the breezy center where the cleft of the upper lip is left exposed.

Origin: Adult film and pornstache god Ron Jeremy

Practical Purpose: Distracting female adult film stars from your pot belly with your clit tickling powers.

Best Accesories: Wrinkly Hawaiian Shirt, double (and triple!) chins, curly mullet.

Often Spotted: On professional Baseball players.