by admin on November 29, 2008
A good stache is hard to find and when you do you better grab on tight and hold on to that sucker for the whole ride, hence “The Handlebar”
Structure: Your mouth is beautiful and The Handlebar underscores that beauty like a three sided picture frame of hair.
Origin: Colonial Mustard, London 1623.
Practical Purpose: Gives universal license to invite people to, “Jump on for a moustache ride!”; stores leftovers from previous meals for intra-day snacking.
Best Accessories: Leather chaps, cowboy hats, pantaloons (often all at once).
Often Spotted: In San Francisco gay bars, revolutionary war reenactments across the Eastern US and Hells Angels gatherings.
by admin on November 28, 2008
The next in our series of pornstache species, “The Pencil“ also sometimes referred to as the “Horizontal Landing Strip”
Structure: The tiniest line of perfection, right across the top of the upper lip.
Origin: A smokey cafe, Paris, 1821.
Practical Purpose: The intense amount of grooming required to maintain such a tiny little stache conveys the deep amount of dedication that you are willing to put into looking creepy and pretentious.
Best Accessories: Pencil leg jeans, cigarette holder, knit cap.
Often Spotted: On John Waters, upcoming R&B stars and little boys with mom’s that think it’s cute to degrade their children with an eyeliner pencil.
by admin on November 28, 2008
The next in our series of pornstache species, the Nintendo-tastic, “The Mario”
Structure: One of the most robust staches of all, The Mario extends from the middle on the cheekbones down to cover most of the mouth.
Origin: Donkey Kong, 1981, arcades arcoss Japan and America.
Practical Purpose: Has a magnetic pull towards floating gold coins, assists in bagging Peach.
Best Accessories: Overalls, plumbers crack, trippy mushrooms, 8 bit music.
Often Spotted: On real guys named Mario, no really, that’s his real name; In the crafts of dorky chicks who think it is ironic to knit likenesses of Nintendo characters.
by admin on November 28, 2008
Our second in our series of pornstache species, let us explore the intricacies of “The Arab”.
Structure: Reminicient of a push broom, The Arab can be identified by its uniform top to bottom height, soft edges and impressive sheen.
Origin: Will be revealed when the CIA documents are declassified in 2028.
Practical Purpose: Intimidates guerrilla fighters into following your command; tricks eastern-european prostitutes into giving you free sex in exchange for marriage and thus access to your family’s oil fortune.
Best Accessories: Beret, automatic weapon, multiple wives
Often Spotted: On dictators and in discotheques (often both at the same time).
by admin on November 28, 2008
Here at pornstache.com, people are constantly asking us, “What makes a moustache a pornstache?” This question has puzzled philosophers for decades as the simple addition of just a couple hairs here, or aviator sunglasses there can turn a perfectly acceptable tax-accountant-stache into a glorious pornstache.
So, this is our first post in a series to help classify all the species of pornstache. And hence, we will begin at the beginning with the “The Ron Jeremy”.
Structure: Seeming to grow out of the nostrils and extending horizontally just over the top of the lips, this pornstache also has a wide horizontal breadth that extends across the frown lines. Also note the breezy center where the cleft of the upper lip is left exposed.
Origin: Adult film and pornstache god Ron Jeremy
Practical Purpose: Distracting female adult film stars from your pot belly with your clit tickling powers.
Best Accesories: Wrinkly Hawaiian Shirt, double (and triple!) chins, curly mullet.
Often Spotted: On professional Baseball players.
