Celeb Pornstache

When you ride a white-perm and Saturday Night Fever dance moves to international fame, what do you do next? Duh, Pornstache!

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When you have 6 children, it is imperative to their development that they enjoy a family pet, but with an international jet-setting lifestyle, the transport and care of a pet can be difficult. Solution? Grow a pet that you can carry everywhere as it handily perches on your upper lip. Add a pair of aviators a fedora and voila! Perfection.

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Dissatified with the creepiness of his alcoholic bloat, under-eye bags and quickly receeding hairline, Vince Vaughn has added a pornstache to really bring home his look. 

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The youth are always ahead of the fashion curve, hence McCauly Culkin sporting a way-ahead of the curve pornstache for his arrest in 2003 on drug charges. I say if you can maintain such precise pencil pornstache grooming while all fucked up on pot and Xanax then more power to you!

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Nicolas Cage almost missed the mark with his new pornstache.  Thank goodness for the extra robust follicular profile that allows the red highlights of his stache to glint in the sunlight, allowing Mr. Cage to barely avoid a grandpa-stache.

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In character for his role in the upcoming sequel to The Bourne Supremacy and The Bourne Ultimatium, tentatively titled The Bourne Pornstache, Matt Damon is shot in Hawaii. 

True method actor that he is, Matt Damon has also gained 40 pounds of pot-belly, some billowy orange swimming trunks, and a thick yet patchy smattering of unruly chest hair to compliment the authenticity of his stache. 

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Answer: Progenitor of the mainstream pornstache.

Question: Who is Alex Trebek?

Yes, father of the pornstache, you brought the bristle from the back-alley world of 70’s adult films into America’s living rooms with your charming over-wrought foreign pronunciations and your oh so sly “answers” to life’s questions. With your dedication, you continued to rock the stache through the 90’s when the rest of the world was sporting the satan-goatee. We salute you Trebek, we salute you. 

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Since my arsenal of billion dollar genetic freaks and destructive gadgets cannot defeat Spider Man perhaps this pornstache can. Plus, MJ will love the allure of my new “clit tickler”. 

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Many people fail to realize that in his middle age Obi Wan Kenobi grew tired of fighting the empire and took a few years off to grow a pornstache and try his hand at adult films. During this period he was known as Obi “Wand” Kenobi. Luckily for the universe, he wasn’t very successful and soon got back at the whole Jedi thing…

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