November 2008

Another certified pornstache from a mister Brian Cromer. This stache was appearantly sprouted in China which adds to its international appeal. Additionally, the creepy closed-mouth smile and wide-angle lens effect add to the impact of this stache. Mr. Cromer, we salute you!

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Dissatified with the creepiness of his alcoholic bloat, under-eye bags and quickly receeding hairline, Vince Vaughn has added a pornstache to really bring home his look. 

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The youth are always ahead of the fashion curve, hence McCauly Culkin sporting a way-ahead of the curve pornstache for his arrest in 2003 on drug charges. I say if you can maintain such precise pencil pornstache grooming while all fucked up on pot and Xanax then more power to you!

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Many have attempted the pornstache and many have failed. Celebs almost always get it right, but they have teams of pornstache stylists helping them. Sometimes it is hard for the everyday guy to tell when one has crossed the oh-so-subtle line into a true pornstachio. That is why we are introducing our pornstache certification.

Do not trust the authenticity of any pornstache without this seal.

To celebrate, we would like to issue our first award to This Guy

The beautiful woman, the tousled bed-head, the heavenly light, the exposed chest hair and most of all the handlebar pornstache. Yes, this is the real deal. Congratulations.

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The next in our series of pornstache species, the Nintendo-tastic, “The Mario”

Structure:  One of the most robust staches of all, The Mario extends from the middle on the cheekbones down to cover most of the mouth. 

Origin: Donkey Kong, 1981, arcades arcoss Japan and America.

Practical Purpose: Has a magnetic pull towards floating gold coins, assists in bagging Peach.

Best Accessories: Overalls, plumbers crack, trippy mushrooms, 8 bit music.

Often Spotted: On real guys named Mario, no really, that’s his real name; In the crafts of dorky chicks who think it is ironic to knit likenesses of Nintendo characters. 

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Everybody is thinking about what Christmas gifts to get the important people in your life. So, we wanted to make your life easier by offering gift suggestions for the important pornstachio in your life. 

Our first gift idea, a t-thirt that smacks of pornstache pride:

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Nicolas Cage almost missed the mark with his new pornstache.  Thank goodness for the extra robust follicular profile that allows the red highlights of his stache to glint in the sunlight, allowing Mr. Cage to barely avoid a grandpa-stache.

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Our second in our series of pornstache species, let us explore the intricacies of “The Arab”.

 Structure:  Reminicient of a push broom, The Arab can be identified by its uniform top to bottom height, soft edges and impressive sheen. 

Origin: Will be revealed when the CIA documents are declassified in 2028. 

Practical Purpose: Intimidates guerrilla fighters into following your command; tricks eastern-european prostitutes into giving you free sex in exchange for marriage and thus access to your family’s oil fortune. 

Best Accessories: Beret, automatic weapon, multiple wives

Often Spotted: On dictators and in discotheques (often both at the same time). 

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It has been noted that late-stage NHL players often grow a pornstache because of the shiny bristly distraction that a pornstache can add to a face, thus detracting from the appearance of generally mangled facial bone-structure and missing teeth. 

However, George Parros, acclaimed player for the Anaheim Ducks is sporting an early career pornstache begging the question, does a pornstache carry magical or ayrodynamic properties which actually increase hockey skills? Yes, my friend. The answer is yes. 

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